I have a confession to make. One that has taken me a long time to come to terms with and to put into words.
I have let the fire die between us.
I have let life, circumstance and memories snuff out the hot embers of our love that were once so strong and forceful.
Fear has held me in the past. Anger has stunted my growth as a deserving, desirable spouse. And failed attempts at reclaiming what once was have left me chasing something that no longer exists.
WE are forever changed. You & I. From one day to the next the one before is gone. POOF! Never to be reclaimed. Life makes no bargains. Life does not profess vows of stability, security, make no mistakes, and hurt shall never come to pass. It is messy. It is hurtful. We are humans and we are afforded the luxury of experiencing every dimension of human emotion so that we may know the good versus the bad. So that we may rejoice atop the highest mountain only after knowing the greatest depths of despair. Hell on Earth visited us years ago. It should have long ago been buried and abandoned. I have selfishly allowed it to take root in my heart. To twine its insidious tendrils of self-doubt and loathing into the beauty of us. The best parts of me. The most loved parts of you. Tainted… we have become so much less than what we could have been.
But late is better than never…
Showing up late to this party nevertheless affords us the chance to have the best last dance of the night. It creates a turning point by which we can measure the strength of our commitment against the ease of status quo. However late the arrival, the masterpiece of our lives still awaits the final Act. Intermission is over. How we choose to bow out as the curtain closes is truly the only moments that matter. The crescendo will be the legacy we leave behind. That legacy has always… only… forever… been two friends who fell in love.
Today. You are all that I want. You and I are the blessing bestowed upon each of us. Separately. Collectively. Publicly. Privately.
The most honest, most beautiful, most precious gift I can give is myself. Fully. Openly. Wild & free. Honest & stubborn. Willful & sometimes unbearable. But always wanting. Wanting better. Wanting unbridled adventure and passion for life. Wanting comfort & peace & warm nights by the fire dreaming the dreams that only you can understand. Living the life that only you and I can share.
Living. Breathing. Laughing. Dreaming.
And finally free again to grow in love.
Merry Christmas, My Darling Love