Category Archives: lovebeams

An Open Letter to My Love: A Christmas Gift of Healing & Commitment

I have a confession to make. One that has taken me a long time to come to terms with and to put into words.

I have let the fire die between us.

I have let life, circumstance and memories snuff out the hot embers of our love that were once so strong and forceful.

Fear has held me in the past. Anger has stunted my growth as a deserving, desirable spouse. And failed attempts at reclaiming what once was have left me chasing something that no longer exists.

People change.

Lives change.

Lovers change.

WE are forever changed. You & I. From one day to the next the one before is gone. POOF! Never to be reclaimed. Life makes no bargains. Life does not profess vows of stability, security, make no mistakes, and hurt shall never come to pass. It is messy. It is hurtful. We are humans and we are afforded the luxury of experiencing every dimension of human emotion so that we may know the good versus the bad. So that we may rejoice atop the highest mountain only after knowing the greatest depths of despair. Hell on Earth visited us years ago. It should have long ago been buried and abandoned. I have selfishly allowed it to take root in my heart. To twine its insidious tendrils of self-doubt and loathing into the beauty of us. The best parts of me. The most loved parts of you. Tainted… we have become so much less than what we could have been.

But late is better than never…

Showing up late to this party nevertheless affords us the chance to have the best last dance of the night. It creates a turning point by which we can measure the strength of our commitment against the ease of status quo. However late the arrival, the masterpiece of our lives still awaits the final Act. Intermission is over. How we choose to bow out as the curtain closes is truly the only moments that matter. The crescendo will be the legacy we leave behind. That legacy has always… only… forever… been two friends who fell in love.

Today. You are all that I want. You and I are the blessing bestowed upon each of us. Separately. Collectively. Publicly. Privately.

The most honest, most beautiful, most precious gift I can give is myself. Fully. Openly. Wild & free. Honest & stubborn. Willful & sometimes unbearable. But always wanting. Wanting better. Wanting unbridled adventure and passion for life. Wanting comfort & peace & warm nights by the fire dreaming the dreams that only you can understand. Living the life that only you and I can share.

Living. Breathing. Laughing. Dreaming.

Together. Wholly.

And finally free again to grow in love.

 

Merry Christmas, My Darling Love

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Sacred contracts and Universal truths… finding your destiny one experience, one interaction at a time. Live in the Light of your soul. Listen to what your heart whispers when silence is granted. Respond with the vastness of the ocean, follow the roll of ebbing tides toward the essence that is you.
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“Before it incarnates, each soul enters into a sacred contract with the Universe to accomplish certain things. It enters into this commitment in the fullness of its being. Whatever the task that your soul has agreed to, all of the experiences of your life serve to awaken within you the memory of that contract, and to prepare you to fulfill it.” – Gary Zukav

Adieu…

As 2015 peeks around the sun making her descent in a Western sky, it is time to bid adieu to the year in my rearview…

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2014. I am in awe. In awe at all that was, has been, and promises to be. Many challenges, many hoorahs, many tears, some good-byes, some re-acquaintances. Bruised some hearts, including my own. Fallen into the abyss and pulled my way back out. When anxiety knocked, I prevailed. When depression shadowed my soul, I searched for the bright, shining light all around. I accepted challenges; which scared me beyond recognition of the brave, strong-willed girl I know myself to be. I cried out of fear when I didn’t believe in myself. I repeatedly fell into the arms of someone who never seems to lose faith. Sainthood should prevail here.

I climbed, crawled, ran, pulled, hoisted, swam, threw, slid, traversed, and scaled my way through ¾ of the year. In mud. With some of the best friends a girl could find. I found a strength I never knew I had. I spread love of fitness and health in three countries. I poured that same love out to many trusting souls right here in SC. Many days all while searching for a lifeline myself.

I wrote. Until my heart bled. Until the anxiety poured out of me. Creativity seeped from me. Nature influenced me. Photography inspired me. I saw this beautiful world with bright, new, shining eyes. I chased the dawn of day and sunsets every chance I got. I learned amazing things about myself through my daily surroundings. And yet, I still struggled with the reoccurring themes of my life that love to creep in again like old, welcome friends. I have learned, too, that there are lessons in the questions. And beauty in the lessons. And that above all, I am beauty. Equally so in both the dark and the shining moments that shape my days and years.

I felt invisible, invalid, unworthy, and sad from the negative self-talk. I rebounded with strength, reclaimed the most important things in life, and slowed down enough to hear my heart speak and my soul hum. I am still learning to listen to the Universal truths and not just my own.

Cancer became a four-letter word in my family and has taken a backseat for now. Praise. And hallelujah. And AMEN…

So many struggles. The most challenging year. But the most rewarding growth. Powerful year of recognition and gloves off kind of grappling. Sitting alone with myself. Searching. Digging. Finding words. And honoring. I am done. Done with the lessons you cast my way. Done with self I have outgrown. Even in future repetitions, I will honor the transformation in each new layer slayed.

2015… I can only hope you are as full of adventure and expansion. Time to test the waters. Step in. Let’s go for a swim.

Good vibes.

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Sending a very Merry Christmas, full of light, love and wonder out into the world today. There are miracles all around us, wondrous gifts of delight and magical reminders that LIFE is precious and that we all have a purpose to fulfill during our time here. Take time each day to exhale hope, compassion and joy into the lives of those sharing space with you. Only love and patience can drive out the negativity in our world. Only calm and peace can usher in the spirit of humanity that we all desire. Your greatest gift to the world is found in your daily interactions with life. The radiance you impart, the laughter you inspire, the comfort you instill in others is the legacy of you. And while you are spreading all the goodness that is you to world… sprinkle a little #hope #compassion #joy #love #patience #calm and #peace on yourself. Anoint your dreams in the belief that you are the key to achieving everything you desire. A life lived pursuing the truest of dreams leads to the most open of hearts. I can’t think of anything the world needs more at this time. Shine on. Shine bright. Light the way towards peace. Yes, today. But also every day. Namaste

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It has been about 9 months since I went through the divorce that had been coming for quite some time. I finally learned that the good times weren’t ever going to return and that holding on was only hurting us both more. You may want to believe that friendship can endure anything. You may try to bend yourself into every contorted position possible until you realize that the person you are trying to be for someone else is not even close to the person you are when they aren’t around. Growth comes from making the tough decisions. This has always been a challenge for me. Walking away from anything goes against every screaming fiber of my body. Yet, I did it… and I survived. In fact, I think I have grown more this year than ever before. Maybe… just possibly… cutting this cord had a special hand in the many leaps forward this year. To that… I am grateful. I can, and do, love from afar. Afar is so much easier with some people. Namaste to those close and those not so…

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/11/healing-from-friendship-divorce/