“I take pleasure in my transformations. I look quiet and consistent, but few know how many women there are in me.” heart emoticon
~ Anaïs Nin
Birthdays. Birth. New Life. New Hope.
Bittersweet. Choices. Relinquishment. Emptiness.
Void unfulfilled. Solitude unmatched.
Always wanting. Similarity. Familiarity.
Searching. Empty-handed. Void. Abyss.
Holes. Always holes.
Words. No meaning. Questions. No answers.
Never knowing. Who I am.
Always wanting. Too much.
No return. No escape.
Fire within. Burns without.
Celebrate? Missing pieces.
Celebrate her absence. How?
How then? How now?
Empty paths entice her out of the bustling epicentric chaos into the gnarly twisted darkness of the barren forest. Her grotto awaits.
The fading and shifting vignettes locked inside create tornadic winds around her heart-center. To. Fro. Stay or go. Wolves howl. The creatura sinks back onto her haunches. Ready to leap. Spring forth by the beckoning of the lunar aura. Transformation to silvery ether; mere mist in the atmosphere.
Her heart is untamed, unbridled, and pure wilderness with a streak of nostalgia for the permanence and comfort only unity with another can bring. Opposing states of being. Conflicting at the core. See-sawing her feelings and jockeying her judgement between love-bound communion and wild-woman ethereal abandon.
Tethers are but mere suggestion. Where the aching spirit roams, so too do the totems of sacrament and covenant. Her shroud of conformity… obligation… is but a thin membrane that barely camouflages the badlands and caverns that command her soul. Though the cloak be delicate, nearly imperceptible to a discerning onlooker, the eyes and hearts of the sleeping masses cannot see what they do not believe.
This blindness, this lack of sagaciousness… or rather, apathy to the natural world, drives her further into the wilds with each passing new moon. She seeks her match. Her twin soul. Should the sought for not be found; her death and rebirth into the next dimension of awareness will surely free her from the lonely hunt.
She sinks. And waits.
It has been about 9 months since I went through the divorce that had been coming for quite some time. I finally learned that the good times weren’t ever going to return and that holding on was only hurting us both more. You may want to believe that friendship can endure anything. You may try to bend yourself into every contorted position possible until you realize that the person you are trying to be for someone else is not even close to the person you are when they aren’t around. Growth comes from making the tough decisions. This has always been a challenge for me. Walking away from anything goes against every screaming fiber of my body. Yet, I did it… and I survived. In fact, I think I have grown more this year than ever before. Maybe… just possibly… cutting this cord had a special hand in the many leaps forward this year. To that… I am grateful. I can, and do, love from afar. Afar is so much easier with some people. Namaste to those close and those not so…
The more we dig into the depths of who we are on the path to becoming who we are meant to be, the more obstacles are going to block the path. Of that we can be sure. Any journey of truth is a one fraught with lessons, bumps and bruises along the way. Sometimes the toughest thing is to just get out of our own way! Being present, fully, with those around us and letting go of ourselves is often a gargantuan task. I learned this lesson the hard way this week, and boy, did it make me feel small and selfish! Coming off of a wonderfully relaxing and restorative weekend, it was a gut-check that while I have been working so diligently to be present in each day, I am far from immune to falling into old patterns. I had a friend in need of emotional support unexpectedly, a friend I was excited to see in our so very short bursts of personal time together, and I kinda screwed it all up. My mind was definitely not in the present moment and far from in a loving place. Worst part? I didn’t even realize the impact my emotional unavailability had on her. We made plans for another day and parted ways. Still locked in my own head… I thought nothing of it. 30 minutes later… and for most of the better part of this week… It has never been far from my mind. She sent me a message describing her hurt and rejection. I was crushed, frustrated at myself, and disappointed that I wasn’t even aware enough to see past myself at the time. All’s well that ends well. We are fine. In fact, maybe a little more appreciative of the fact that we tackled it head on, communicated from a place of authenticity, and honored our friendship with honesty. Score: Friendship = 1, Misery = 0. While the experience was hurtful and disappointing, it would be much worse to not appreciate the lesson to be learned. Remaining ever grateful, present, and in a state of love is a work in progress. To be sure, the things we allow to crowd into our present moments are more than likely inconsequential to what is going on around us at the time. Stop. Take a breath. Let go of yourself. And honor the moment you are in, alone or in company… before the damage is done. Be grateful. Be present. Be love. Namaste