Adieu…

As 2015 peeks around the sun making her descent in a Western sky, it is time to bid adieu to the year in my rearview…

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2014. I am in awe. In awe at all that was, has been, and promises to be. Many challenges, many hoorahs, many tears, some good-byes, some re-acquaintances. Bruised some hearts, including my own. Fallen into the abyss and pulled my way back out. When anxiety knocked, I prevailed. When depression shadowed my soul, I searched for the bright, shining light all around. I accepted challenges; which scared me beyond recognition of the brave, strong-willed girl I know myself to be. I cried out of fear when I didn’t believe in myself. I repeatedly fell into the arms of someone who never seems to lose faith. Sainthood should prevail here.

I climbed, crawled, ran, pulled, hoisted, swam, threw, slid, traversed, and scaled my way through ¾ of the year. In mud. With some of the best friends a girl could find. I found a strength I never knew I had. I spread love of fitness and health in three countries. I poured that same love out to many trusting souls right here in SC. Many days all while searching for a lifeline myself.

I wrote. Until my heart bled. Until the anxiety poured out of me. Creativity seeped from me. Nature influenced me. Photography inspired me. I saw this beautiful world with bright, new, shining eyes. I chased the dawn of day and sunsets every chance I got. I learned amazing things about myself through my daily surroundings. And yet, I still struggled with the reoccurring themes of my life that love to creep in again like old, welcome friends. I have learned, too, that there are lessons in the questions. And beauty in the lessons. And that above all, I am beauty. Equally so in both the dark and the shining moments that shape my days and years.

I felt invisible, invalid, unworthy, and sad from the negative self-talk. I rebounded with strength, reclaimed the most important things in life, and slowed down enough to hear my heart speak and my soul hum. I am still learning to listen to the Universal truths and not just my own.

Cancer became a four-letter word in my family and has taken a backseat for now. Praise. And hallelujah. And AMEN…

So many struggles. The most challenging year. But the most rewarding growth. Powerful year of recognition and gloves off kind of grappling. Sitting alone with myself. Searching. Digging. Finding words. And honoring. I am done. Done with the lessons you cast my way. Done with self I have outgrown. Even in future repetitions, I will honor the transformation in each new layer slayed.

2015… I can only hope you are as full of adventure and expansion. Time to test the waters. Step in. Let’s go for a swim.

December.

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Birthdays. Birth. New Life. New Hope.
Bittersweet. Choices. Relinquishment. Emptiness.
Void unfulfilled. Solitude unmatched.
Always wanting. Similarity. Familiarity.
Always searching.

Searching. Empty-handed. Void. Abyss.
Holes. Always holes.
Words. No meaning. Questions. No answers.
Never knowing. Who I am.

Always wanting. Too much.
No return. No escape.
Fire within. Burns without.

Celebrate? Missing pieces.
Celebrate? Brokeness.

Celebrate her absence. How?
How then? How now?

 

 

Into the Wilds

Empty paths entice her out of the bustling epicentric chaos into the gnarly twisted darkness of the barren forest. Her grotto awaits.

The fading and shifting vignettes locked inside create tornadic winds around her heart-center. To. Fro. Stay or go. Wolves howl. The creatura sinks back onto her haunches. Ready to leap. Spring forth by the beckoning of the lunar aura. Transformation to silvery ether; mere mist in the atmosphere.

Her heart is untamed, unbridled, and pure wilderness with a streak of nostalgia for the permanence and comfort only unity with another can bring. Opposing states of being. Conflicting at the core. See-sawing her feelings and jockeying her judgement between love-bound communion and wild-woman ethereal abandon.

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Tethers are but mere suggestion. Where the aching spirit roams, so too do the totems of sacrament and covenant. Her shroud of conformity… obligation… is but a thin membrane that barely camouflages the badlands and caverns that command her soul. Though the cloak be delicate, nearly imperceptible to a discerning onlooker, the eyes and hearts of the sleeping masses cannot see what they do not believe.

This blindness, this lack of sagaciousness… or rather, apathy to the natural world, drives her further into the wilds with each passing new moon. She seeks her match. Her twin soul. Should the sought for not be found; her death and rebirth into the next dimension of awareness will surely free her from the lonely hunt.

She sinks. And waits.

Good vibes.

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Sending a very Merry Christmas, full of light, love and wonder out into the world today. There are miracles all around us, wondrous gifts of delight and magical reminders that LIFE is precious and that we all have a purpose to fulfill during our time here. Take time each day to exhale hope, compassion and joy into the lives of those sharing space with you. Only love and patience can drive out the negativity in our world. Only calm and peace can usher in the spirit of humanity that we all desire. Your greatest gift to the world is found in your daily interactions with life. The radiance you impart, the laughter you inspire, the comfort you instill in others is the legacy of you. And while you are spreading all the goodness that is you to world… sprinkle a little #hope #compassion #joy #love #patience #calm and #peace on yourself. Anoint your dreams in the belief that you are the key to achieving everything you desire. A life lived pursuing the truest of dreams leads to the most open of hearts. I can’t think of anything the world needs more at this time. Shine on. Shine bright. Light the way towards peace. Yes, today. But also every day. Namaste