Getting back up…

I have known for a spell that a downward spiral was gaining speed.

That I couldn’t pull myself out.

That the vortex was sucking me in and no amount of flailing about was going to save me from myself…

Vortical-Flow-Blue-Vortex-HD-Pic

Let’s just say I let me get the BEST of me because what should be the BEST of me just didn’t feel good enough.

Wow! Try that one on for size! Gulp it in… swish it around… and spit it back out just as IT deserves. For the first time in my 43 years, I have vowed that is just what I must do… to keep my sanity, to keep my openness, to keep my marriage, to keep my love of self intact. Spit it out. Don’t look back. Trudge forward and be ready to come face-to-face with some nasty, dark, very unflattering feeling stuff and maybe… just maybe… start an uplifting journey of self-discovery that is grander than any ever imagined.

It utterly sucks to make such potentially devastating wrong choices before finally witnessing and admitting the spiral that has been crashing toward oneself. To hurt oneself and those one loves due to an inability to see clearly, or believe in oneself rightly. Before seeing that all one has to do is stand up in order to save oneself and finally surface from a lifelong game of Marco Polo.

Oh, believe me, I have bobbed up and down for years…

Marco!…

Polo!…

Now you see me. Now you don’t.

In 17 years, it must have driven my husband a little crazy! Indecision has been a constant companion in my life. An intimate “frenemy” that has duped me into believing that always putting others first is a virtue (mistake #1) and one worth protecting and perfecting (mistake #2). It subtly coaxed me down an off-beaten path of occasional turmoil, anxiety, and restlessness that ultimately led me to a state of sabotage from which I can luckily say I survived. Not only survived… but am ready to wrestle, conquer and surpass into an abundant presence of mind, life & love that will forevermore intuitively crowd the negative into a dark recess until it is greedily absorbed and reinvented into a radiant beam of light. One that is uniquely mine. That attracts a significantly intimate, yet, expansive; trusting, yet, always seeking; abundant communion with myself. A soulbeam.

What soulbeams are you projecting to the world around you? Are they telling a story of fear, doubt, hurt and uncertainty? Or are they captivating, inviting, fulfilled, connected and beckoning those in your circle of influence to join you in a joyful, exuberant livelihood?

Henceforward, I have started a practice of mapping my Desires. A mindset practice brought to us from the illuminating vision of Danielle LaPorte on mapping your future based on how you wish for your life to FEEL. Suddenly I find myself leaning on the edge of a possibility that is enthralling, exciting and breathtaking all at once! I’m ready to jump…

1, 2, 3…

Love & Light

Advertisements

Share your soulbeams!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s