Fairy Tales & Glass Slippers

Recurring themes of independence, self-identity, and self-nurturing have quite literally become my shadow lately. I started 2014 with a bang! I stumbled around in the dark for a bit then I climbed my way out of a self-induced downward spiral that I now understand was a necessary wake up call. A call that may well be my “A-HA!” moment of a lifetime. My before & after. My second chance. I realized right then and there that truth & honesty with myself and my love were the only things that were going to pull me up out of the pit into which I had slowly descended. Sounds simple, huh? Not so easy for me and I am guessing there are others as well.

What have I learned? I have learned that remaining faithful to our identity can be a tough truth to follow. Humans have an inherent desire to belong, to experience communion, and to be part of a greater whole. Often times we allow those echoes of the human experience to muddle our instincts and temper our truest desires… water them down until we believe that what we have been doing for “x” number of years is really our truth. We learn from an early age that there are dreams that others have for us, they may be in line with our own spirit, but many times they may not. If we silence the call and rhythm of our heart at that time; reclaiming them later in life becomes increasingly more difficult. Our upbringing and family life shape many facets of who we one day become. Such begins the toughest dance from which to extract ourselves. Our partner-self may begin tapping our shoulder to “cut in” early and persist for many years – or it may wait until that moment that we are about to fall out from exhaustion, after years of the drunken stupor we call marriage, parenting, career or caretaker – and finally pluck us from the security of all that we have known into either a waltz of resignation or one of resilience.

If could retrace my selfhood back to a time during which I was truly independent what would I tell myself? What would I tell friends I have in my life now who struggle with so much togetherness? I would tell myself and them that marriage is a two-way street. It requires respect and understanding from both sides. It requires unlimited heart-felt talks to get past the not-so-foreseen character flaws that always show up after forever becomes decreed. I want to tell her that losing herself now will build most assuredly into resentment later. Implore to her that habits, words, actions and attitudes now will strengthen as time goes on… to be sure that they feed the nurturing, esteem-building, love-producing ones rather than the negative, confidence-breaking ones. I would use every last breath to implore her to keep her independence. Marriage can still be a union of souls never meant to be broken while each partner maintains the most basic essence of themselves. Think about it! If you were an independent, soul-searching, larger-than-life person when you decided that forever & ever was the best thing for you both; then wouldn’t it be reasonable to hold onto those parts of yourself that attracted your mate to you in the first place? Because from where I stand… this is a far cry from where I feel I am most days.

Take a step back. Find some minutes, hours or days to reconnect to your soul and rejuvenate your spirit. Give yourself the gift of enjoying a few things that are for YOU and only you… not everything has to be about two people all the time, and shouldn’t be. Stand on your own two feet in the light of exhilarating possibility. Learn to love yourself again for who you were when you fell in love… when the world was yours to conquer and the future held the possibility of all of your fairy tales. Only then will the glass slipper fit again…

Love & Light

Growing in Love…

So this week has been hugely transformative… Like a budding flower ripe for the freshest of coffee table centerpieces… full of potential, hope and beauty to offer those will to slow down and appreciate their Bounty!

In my quest for a life fully lived… a love fully deserved and a heart fully, well, FULL… I have pondered many ways to make my life richer in the past 10,080 minutes (or 7 days). Many areas, ALL really, could be tweaked and realigned or centered a little better. Work. Health. Love. Home. Spirit. I have embraced the knowledge that my spirit has to be nurtured and loved first and foremost if I am to have any positivity to give to the other parts that make up ME.

When I asked myself this: “What are some effortless, love-filled things I can do daily that will blossom into an undeniably powerful and raw beauty?” My answer came to me immediately. And while it was not a singular, direct action to take on myself… it IS and has always been one of the most important things to me… My husband. My marriage.

So in this phase of stumbling, mistake-making, self-discovery I decided that just like Sarah Ban Breathnach coaxed us years ago in her book Simple Abundance, I needed to verbally, willfully, gleefully submit my gratitude and appreciation to my husband daily. After all, let’s face it… this is exactly what I have been telling him that I need as well. He recently expressed to me that he hoped in our moments of carefree abandon from the “real world” moments of our life together that I could feel his love for me, see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch. Indeed, I do! Those moments are precious, cherished and beautiful… but… They still aren’t the same as hearing the feelings expressed in words. Words that drench my soul in affection and uniqueness. Words that wrap my heart in a love-infused blanket of oneness and communion.

So I have set out to write him daily notes of affection, love, appreciation and gratitude for all that he is to me. It is so easy in a world and society that rushes on without concern for each singular moment to shove those thoughts aside in order to keep pushing the wheel of fortune. It is easy to think to oneself that our significant other can and will “feel” what we think they should feel without having to express it in words. That what they should be feeling from us is enough to sustain the romance that introduced them into our lives.

Psst… I have a secret to tell you…

Most of us are virtually disharmonic to our instincts… our intuition… and, yes, our feelings. We have learned in this materialistic world in which we live that feelings are too emotional and flighty; that we need to “think with our heads, not with our hearts”; that our egos are the place from which all success flows and the heart will lead us astray or into certain madness should we let it run a muck. With all those odds stacked against the most human part of our physical being, how can we possibly learn to live by it and feel that which we may need to also occasionally hear?

It is such a small thing, but one I truly feel can make a HUGE difference in our lives… one day, one note, one e-mail at a time. I am willing to put in the little smidgen of effort to make my life and love EXTRA-ordinary!

Love & Light

Getting back up…

I have known for a spell that a downward spiral was gaining speed.

That I couldn’t pull myself out.

That the vortex was sucking me in and no amount of flailing about was going to save me from myself…

Vortical-Flow-Blue-Vortex-HD-Pic

Let’s just say I let me get the BEST of me because what should be the BEST of me just didn’t feel good enough.

Wow! Try that one on for size! Gulp it in… swish it around… and spit it back out just as IT deserves. For the first time in my 43 years, I have vowed that is just what I must do… to keep my sanity, to keep my openness, to keep my marriage, to keep my love of self intact. Spit it out. Don’t look back. Trudge forward and be ready to come face-to-face with some nasty, dark, very unflattering feeling stuff and maybe… just maybe… start an uplifting journey of self-discovery that is grander than any ever imagined.

It utterly sucks to make such potentially devastating wrong choices before finally witnessing and admitting the spiral that has been crashing toward oneself. To hurt oneself and those one loves due to an inability to see clearly, or believe in oneself rightly. Before seeing that all one has to do is stand up in order to save oneself and finally surface from a lifelong game of Marco Polo.

Oh, believe me, I have bobbed up and down for years…

Marco!…

Polo!…

Now you see me. Now you don’t.

In 17 years, it must have driven my husband a little crazy! Indecision has been a constant companion in my life. An intimate “frenemy” that has duped me into believing that always putting others first is a virtue (mistake #1) and one worth protecting and perfecting (mistake #2). It subtly coaxed me down an off-beaten path of occasional turmoil, anxiety, and restlessness that ultimately led me to a state of sabotage from which I can luckily say I survived. Not only survived… but am ready to wrestle, conquer and surpass into an abundant presence of mind, life & love that will forevermore intuitively crowd the negative into a dark recess until it is greedily absorbed and reinvented into a radiant beam of light. One that is uniquely mine. That attracts a significantly intimate, yet, expansive; trusting, yet, always seeking; abundant communion with myself. A soulbeam.

What soulbeams are you projecting to the world around you? Are they telling a story of fear, doubt, hurt and uncertainty? Or are they captivating, inviting, fulfilled, connected and beckoning those in your circle of influence to join you in a joyful, exuberant livelihood?

Henceforward, I have started a practice of mapping my Desires. A mindset practice brought to us from the illuminating vision of Danielle LaPorte on mapping your future based on how you wish for your life to FEEL. Suddenly I find myself leaning on the edge of a possibility that is enthralling, exciting and breathtaking all at once! I’m ready to jump…

1, 2, 3…

Love & Light

No fear

What would you do if you had no fears? Would you stay where you are or find another path? Is where you are now your passion, your gift? Or is it somewhere out there, known or unknown, beckoning you to seek the truth of your heart?

What if I told you I don’t really know the answer either. I am stuck, scared and anxious. But am I so much of these things that I am unwilling to change? I feel a renaissance on the horizon. I feel like I am on the ledge of a precipice and the time has come to just do it – just jump and hope like hell the parachute opens. I am done with pretense, with not honoring my deepest desires, done with the BS! The time is here – who is going to join me?

Restlessness is a tough state in which to reside. It is hard to admit our fears and anxiety – our short-comings – mistakes – but if we don’t turn them over, magnify them, turn them inside out and truly examine them – how can we consciously correct them, move past and move on – true to ourselves?

I am realizing that I have lost myself. HA! I say that as if I woke up from a dream and had my answer suddenly. That’s not really how it happens, or happened for me. The heart doesn’t suddenly decide it feels this way or that way. The soul doesn’t change on a whim to a before and after. In reality, they have both been whispering their disapproval for a long time. That uneasy, restless, uncomfortable in my own skin feeling every Fall and other times in between, that seemed to be coming at shorter and closer intervals. That “I just want to GO!” feeling. Go anywhere. Home. Away. Here. There. But not inside. Not to work. Not to the gym. Not to all I have known for many years feeling. Ok. So. Where to now? How do I reconcile this epiphany of “lostness” with the real life togetherness of a marriage that I love, a job that I need? How do I marry the intense desire to stay connected with my yearning to be individual? This is where I don’t have the answers just yet… hopefully we can find it together… through writing, sharing, communicating the things that matter to us all.

Let’s begin a journey to liberation…

Love & Light